Acting Wisely and Speaking Graciously

How do tongue-tied people build genuine relationships? Again, God gives us the answer in Colossians 4:5-6.

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Notice that it is only as we act wisely and speak graciously that we will know how to answer everyone. Each person we talk to will be at a different place in his or her spiritual pilgrimage. If we don’t act wisely and speak graciously, we may speak at them, but we will not be able to answer them.

Take the Initiative

The first way to treat people wisely is to take the initiative in the relationship. Jesus clearly modeled this pattern for us. “When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, ‘Will you give me a drink?’” (John 4:7). Notice that Jesus initiated the relationship. In doing so, he overcame three barriers: Jews did not talk to Samaritans; men did not talk to women; and rabbis did not talk to sinners. Jesus, however, ignored all of these barriers and took the initiative.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught, “If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Don’t even pagans do that?” (Matthew 5:46-47). Here, Jesus observed that by greeting only fellow Christians, we are showing no more love than the world shows. The obvious application is that Christians ought to greet all people. Greeting another person is one of the most basic expressions of love there is.

Take the Initiative with Questions

In the reserved parts of the country, like the Northeast, any initial conversation must usually start with the believer. Whether on the airplane or on the playground, people generally don’t initiate conversation. Often just a few simple questions will start a conversation.

Such questions must be appropriate to the situation. For example, on the playground, parents will often ask, “How old is your child?” “What is his name?” “Do you come here often?” and similar questions. On the airplane the appropriate questions are “Where are you heading?” and “Business or pleasure?” In a situation where it might be appropriate to start a conversation but I cannot think of a question, I will ask the Holy Spirit, and one always comes to mind. Those of us who are severely tongue-tied might benefit from thinking through a few questions ahead of time.

Take the Initiative by Seeking Them

More foundational in taking the initiative is having a willingness to seek out non-Christians. Our own hearts must be willing to overcome our fear and protectiveness, so that we are willing to seek out lost people. Jesus said he came “to seek and to save what was lost” (Luke 19:10). The good shepherd leaves the ninety-nine sheep and goes out looking for the lost one (Luke 15:4). When we seek after lost people, we are actually imitating God. Will you seek them? Given a choice between talking with a fellow believer and befriending a non-Christian while waiting for your child’s soccer practice to end, which would you choose? Though it is natural to be drawn to the Christian, which one is in danger of an eternity apart from God? Perhaps God has put you in this situation so that this person will hear the gospel. But you must seek them. Be prepared and willing to take the initiative to start conversations with unbelievers. Love them enough to overcome the shyness you may feel. Ask and remember their names. Prepare simple questions, and rely on the Holy Spirit to aid you in this endeavor.

Accept People as They Are

A second way to treat people wisely is to accept them as they are. Many Christians are surprised when they begin to talk to a non-Christian that he or she acts so . . . (gasp!) . . . sinful. Jesus was a friend of sinners. He reserved his judgment for the Pharisees. He expected the sinner to act like¾a sinner! Rather than being surprised at how sinful some unregenerate people can be, we need to be pleasantly surprised when they have any morals at all. Someone has said that God accepts us the way we are, but he loves us too much to let us stay that way. We must display a similar attitude toward unbelievers. God tells us that “a friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). Part of dealing with others wisely is loving them at all times. Paul Little approvingly tells us:

In his book, Taking Men Alive, Charles Trumbell asserts that we can discover in any person at least one thing worthy of an honest compliment. To prove his point, he describes one of his own experiences on a train. A cursing, drunken man staggered into his car. After lurching into the seat beside Mr. Trumbell, he offered him a swallow from his flask. Mr. Trumbell inwardly recoiled from the man. But instead of blasting the man about his condition he replied, “No thank you, but I can see that you are a very generous man.” The man’s eyes lit up despite his drunken stupor, and the two men began to talk. That day the man heard Christ’s claims. He was deeply touched, and later came to the Savior.

Gracious speech like this will communicate love and acceptance to non-Christian people. No matter how sinful, no one is beyond God’s love. No one is beyond hope.

Ask Good Questions

A third way to treat people wisely is to ask good questions. “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters but a man of understanding draws him out” (Proverbs 20:5). Good questions communicate interest in the person and help start a conversation. They also allow other people to talk about their favorite subject¾themselves. Good questions not only start the relationship but also help deepen it. If used without manipulation, good questions can actually steer the conversation to a certain topic.

It is unfortunate at how inept we Christians can be at developing a relationship by asking questions. Like everyone else, we are in a hurry to talk about ourselves. But the verse above says that if we are persons of understanding and wisdom, we will draw the other person out. Isn’t that part of gracious conversation? Besides communicating love and acceptance, we show love by being genuinely interested in the other person and asking skilled questions.

A wise Christian will become adept at asking different types of questions. Learn to ask good questions using the acronym FORC. Ask different questions about the other person’s family (spouse, children, or grandchildren), occupation (What do you do for work? What is your major in college?), recreation (What do you do to relax?), or what the two of you have in common (for example, how long have you known the hosts of this party you both were invited to). For each subject, ask introductory questions and secondary questions. Introductory questions start a conversation. Secondary questions deepen the conversation and the relationship by asking for more information in some area.

If you really care about speaking graciously, take a little time to think of questions and topics of conversation that will show that you are interested in others. In addition to being prepared, make sure you are asking the questions out of a genuine desire to know the other person and not merely to steer the conversation to the gospel.

Be Quick to Listen

A fourth element in acting wisely and speaking graciously is to listen carefully. “He who answers before listening¾that is his folly and his shame” (Proverbs 18:13). In James, the wisdom book of the New Testament, the same principle is stated. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19). God also tells us that “a man of knowledge uses words with restraint” (Proverbs 17:27).

Closely connected with asking good questions is listening to the answers. We must be genuinely interested in people and their answers. Asking questions is pointless if we don’t listen. Could this be why some unbelievers have been offended? Is it possible they are offended not by the message but by the method? Our text says, “Let your conversation be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Colossians 4:6). But in a typical conversation, we answer before we listen; in fact, we give them the answer before we know the question. Perhaps they understand better than we do that this practice is our folly and shame. Someone has said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” One way we communicate care is by asking good questions and by listening. We must be genuinely interested in the people and what they have to say.

A friend recently hosted an evangelistic Christmas outreach in her home. The purpose was for Christians and non-Christians to interact, to enjoy the festivities of the season, and at some point, to discuss the reason for the season. But during the mixing time, a Christian guest completely dominated the conversations with the non-Christians. Instead of conversing with them, she talked at them. She is funny and endearing, so there was no visible offense. But by not drawing out the other ladies, she ended the night not knowing their hearts. Though she mentioned God, she had no spiritual conversations. These unbelieving ladies went home having listened to a Christian but not having connected with a Christian. “Where words are many, sin is not absent” (Proverbs 10:19). Many believers need to learn to express love by asking good questions of others, by listening carefully, and by refraining from talking about themselves.

Gifts

A fifth element in acting wisely toward others is to understand the power of gifts. “A gift opens the way for the giver” (Proverbs 18:16). One way of expressing love and building relationships is through the giving of various types of gifts. My wife excels at this expression of love. Our elderly neighbors were civil but reserved¾until, that is, we invited them over for ice cream one Sunday afternoon. Suddenly the reserve began to melt. What did it cost us? A little ice cream and a little time.

The giving of gifts as a means of opening the way for the gospel is the theme of Conspiracy of Kindness. In this book, author Steve Sjogren describes how his and other churches practice acts of kindness as a means of blessing the unsaved. As an expression of God’s love, gifts such as free car washes and free soft drinks are given to unbelievers with no strings attached. These gifts often open a relationship with the recipient because they demonstrate Christ’s love in a practical manner. Once unbelievers have seen a token of love, they are more ready to hear of God’s love in Christ.

How Far Would You Go?

Our church building needed a new roof. On the recommendation of a member, we hired a commercial roofer who specialized in flat roofs. We were told he was “a real stickler for detail.” After the work was done by his crew, he came by on a Saturday to inspect. I was in the church building, and we began a conversation about roofing. Excitedly, he wanted to show off his work. Would I climb the three-story ladder to inspect? How far would I go to build a genuine relationship?

I did climb the ladder, and I nodded approvingly as he showed off his handiwork. (Really, though, what did I know about roofing?) Later, after we came down, we continued our conversation. I asked about his business and his family. Then I asked him one of the transition questions we will discuss in the next chapter. The next thing I knew I was handing him a gospel booklet. “Here. Read this,” I said, meaning that he should read it later. Instead, thinking I meant that he should read it right then, he began to read it aloud. When we came to the end, he bowed his head and received Christ. What was the cost to me? Climbing a three-story ladder and asking a few questions.

The gospel message will best cross the bridge of a genuine relationship. That genuine relationship may be with a new acquaintance or an old friend. These relationships are built every day through a combination of wisdom and graciousness, qualities the Lord can deepen in us.

For Thought, Discussion, and Action

How easily do you take the initiative in relationships? Do you wait for others to begin a conversation? Why?
Is your heart drawn to lost people? Read Luke 15 to gain insight into God’s seeking heart. Are there any situations in your life where you have a choice between talking with believers or with unbelievers? Which do you choose? Why?
Do you have trouble accepting the sinfulness of non-Christians? Are there any sins that you cannot seem to overcome in accepting non-Christians?
How skilled are you at asking questions of others? Do you know how to become better acquainted through questions? How often do you ask follow-up questions?
How skilled are you at listening? Do you listen to the answers of others, or are you just waiting for your time to speak? As an exercise, try to have a conversation with someone in your small group or Sunday school class by just asking questions. See how long you can avoid talking about yourself and using the word I.
How do little kindnesses open up a relationship? Can you think of a relationship where an appropriate gift has opened the way for you in the past? Where it might open the way for you (and eventually the gospel) in the future?

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